TrueSport: December 2019

Role modeling for youth athletes: What not to do

As a parent, raising a happy and healthy child is probably one of your top goals. Throughout this journey, you'll not only be cultivating a positive, caring environment for your young athlete to thrive in, you will also be acting as a role model of the behaviors and values you want to instill.

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) defines a role model as "a person who serves as an example by influencing others. For many children, the most important role models are their parents and caregivers."

Leading by example and embracing the fact that you are your child's key role model will help them develop the kind of behavior you want them to adopt and practice throughout life. The AACAP explains that "children look up to a variety of role models to help shape how they behave in school, relationships, or when making difficult decisions."

It's imperative for parents to take a look at the way they are living their own lives and reflect on what they want their children to mirror, especially since "negative role models may also influence children," according to the AACAP. Here are five practices that parents should avoid in order to position themselves as the positive role model their young athlete needs to build character and confidence in sport and in life.

Don't silence your goals

According to Michele Borba, PhD, an internationally recognized character development education expert and educational psychologist, "To help children feel comfortable talking about goals, we parents need to share our own aspirations."

Borba adds, "The secret is to purposefully model goal-setting when your kids can watch or listen. In fact, modeling is such a simple way to learn the skill. All you need to remember is the formula for goal-setting: I will + what + when and then teach it to your kids."

Practice writing out a few goals with your athletes with the formula above. For example, you can suggest, "I will improve on passing the ball more accurately by the end of the soccer season."

Don't set unrealistic expectations

While there's nothing wrong with aiming high, be aware of your athlete's true capabilities and work with them to set realistic expectations for themselves.

"Be careful of setting too high a standard. Putting your kid in situations that are too difficult puts them at the risk of failing and lowering feelings of competence. Aim for 'one step more.' Effective expectations encourage kids to be their best, so that they can develop a solid belief in themselves," says Borba.

For instance, if your child is learning a new sport skill, like shooting the basketball with their less-dominant side, you cannot expect them to perfect that skill in a season. Instead, help them set an expectation that they'll be attempting to score 1/3 of their shots with that less-dominant arm by the end of the season.

Don't lose sight of the big picture

At times, it can be easy to lose sight of the big-picture benefits sport participation can bring to your young athlete's life. Some sport parents get so bogged down in wins or losses that they forget how sport enriches the lives of young athletes by teaching them values and life skills, such as honesty, integrity, sportsmanship and teamwork.

Frank Smoll, PhD, a sport psychologist and professor at the University of Washington, suggests, "Parents should never shout criticism or instruction at their children -- even to teammates and opponents. If parents wish to shout encouragement or praise, codes of sportsmanship dictate that recognition be given to other athletes as well."

He emphasizes that "there's no reason why a great play or great effort made by the opposition shouldn't also be appreciated."

Don't let your emotions get the best of you

In recent times, we've seen how a bad call can push some parents over the edge and create tension on the sidelines. But that behavior will only teach your child that it's okay to erupt in violence when things do not go their way.

"When parents yell at or criticize athletes, coaches or officials, they set an incredibly poor example. It's not surprising to find that parents who exhibit poor self-control in their own lives often have children who are prone to emotional outbursts and poor self-discipline," says Smoll.

He adds, "If parents are to expect sportsmanship and self-control from their children, they need to exhibit the same qualities."

Don't forget to show empathy

According to Borba, "Empathy is the ability to identify with and feel for another person. It's the powerful quality that halts violent and cruel behavior and urges us to treat others kindly."

When parents can display empathy on a daily basis, they encourage their young athlete to show the same grace to their teammates, opponents, coaches and officials.

Borba confirms that "the more aware that kids are of what empathy sounds like, the more likely they are to use those behaviors in their daily lives. Let's not assume our children know how to show others they care. For instance [phrases to share are]: 'You look upset.' 'I understand how you feel.' 'It makes me feel sad that you're hurt.' 'I bet that hurts a lot. It happened to me, too.'"
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Your influence as a parent is something that should not be taken for granted. Remember, young people are always observing your actions and attitudes. At the end of the day, the way you behave can easily impact your child's development in a positive or negative way.

How to create strong habits to help your athletes achieve goals

Some athletes, when asked about their current goals, will simply list 'winning.' But ask how they intend to meet that goal and you'll likely be met with confused silence. Not only does goal-setting often go overlooked, we also miss teaching students how to meet their goals by putting specific, long-term daily habits in place.

Frank L. Smoll, PhD, a sport psychologist and professor at the University of Washington, regularly finds himself teaching these concepts to university students who are learning about goal-setting for the first time. Here's what he wants you to know to help your athletes create a system of habits to hit their goals. 

Teach goal-setting basics

Before explaining habits, you need to first teach your athletes how to set goals, and then how related habits can logically help them achieve those goals. It sounds obvious to adults, but for young children, that cause-and-effect may be harder to comprehend.

"In college, I teach a course on this, but it's foundational and often skipped in younger grades," says Smoll. In order to set young athletes up with a strong foundation of goal-setting, try sharing the concept of SMART goals and the reasoning behind this strategy. 

Consider the ABCs

"Create goals that are Achievable, Believable, and Commit-able," says Smoll. "People often set broad goals -- like New Year's resolutions to 'lose weight' -- and they rarely work." That's because goal-setting is a process that requires commitment to working on things on a daily basis. 

You need to start with a goal that you can believe in, realistically achieve, and are willing to commit to. Then, break down that goal into action steps. "Find individual steps that are achievable and commit to them," he adds. "Those early wins are going to keep students invested and moving forward." 

Not all goals are created equal

"Find something that your athletes want to get from the season. Find something that they will want to achieve, and they will be motivated to start working on those strong habits," explains Smoll.

Their goals don't have to be sport-specific. Suggest something outside of sport if they're struggling to find something sport-related. Maybe a goal would be to make time to read more books or improve their grade in a class. Smoll adds, "You can find something simple that they want to accomplish, and once they accomplish something small, they'll be even more motivated." 

Define those good habits

Once a SMART goal has been identified, sit down with your athletes and list out habits that support that goal and will help the team find success, suggests Smoll.

That can include practice-specific habits like always warming up, as well as healthy lifestyle habits like eating balanced meals, getting in physical activity beyond practice, and practicing smart time management. 

Show the importance of specific habits

Often, children won't understand how a habit like sleeping enough can improve their training. "You have to convince young athletes of the importance of these habits before you can expect them to put them into practice," says Smoll.

For example, more than 40 percent of teens aren't getting adequate amounts of sleep, and inadequate sleep can lead to inattention in school and in games, as well as an increased risk of depression and anxiety or other risky behaviors. Simply telling a student to 'sleep eight hours each night' isn't as helpful as explaining the benefits versus the risks. 

Avoid external rewards

It's tempting to offer extrinsic rewards for a job well done, or for sticking to a healthy habit for a certain amount of time. "But the problem with providing extrinsic rewards for goal achievement is that an athlete will start working for that reward versus that feeling of accomplishment. A dedicated athlete shouldn't need five dollars for a win," says Smoll.

"A lot of parents want to be involved, but they're actually hurting the athlete by providing external motivation. We want athletes to have an internal drive, and if you start introducing extrinsic rewards, that undermines internal motivation." 

Chart progress

Repetition has been shown to be the key to habit formation. "One of the keys to goal-setting is adding in process goals that are measurable, things you can do each day. I have athletes set up a simple performance evaluation system where they can check off if they met that objective for the day," explains Smoll.

That can be things like drinking a certain amount of water, showing up to practice on time, doing a quick yoga or mindfulness routine each day, or any other healthy habits. "Any simple form of record-keeping is going to be helpful."
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Teaching young athletes how to develop strong habits early will set the foundation that will allow them to reach their goals.

Being able to see "those easy early wins -- like simply sticking to a small habit -- can make it much easier to work towards big goals," says Smoll. "Give a kid something they can do right away, and you create a foundation for moving on to other things. This is a big part of why youth sport is so valuable," Smoll says. "It's a laboratory for life."

Pivoting for the goal: How to help athletes through mid-season adjustments

A recent study found that children today are under significantly more pressure to be 'perfect' than past generations. If you're halfway through the season and it's not going the way you hoped, it's also easy for you and your team to fall into a slump. When the goals you set at the beginning of the season are suddenly unattainable, how can you and your athletes find motivation to keep going?

As a coach in this tough environment, you can show athletes that not reaching a goal isn't the end of the world. Rather, it's a chance to re-focus and pivot towards a new, more attainable goal.
Frank L. Smoll, PhD, a sport psychologist and professor at the University of Washington, explains how you can help your athletes learn to pivot from their original roadmap and make mid-season adjustments that will help them realize their new goals. 

Explain that progress is success too

Many of us have been taught that once a goal is set, anything short of that goal is a failure. But that simply isn't true. Smoll suggests coaches advise young athletes not to "set goals in stone, as they're meant to be revised."

Sometimes the original goal an athlete makes isn't attainable within the given timeframe or due to changing circumstances, especially if the goal wasn't SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and timely). At this point, let your athletes know that it's time to re-evaluate and adjust the goal, even if that means focusing more on progress.

Smoll adds, "Often, kids can think about goals in black-and-white, in success or fail terms. But we want to teach them about the process. It's a matter of being able to see where progress is being made and to evaluate and consider why an athlete is making progress, or why they aren't. And, it's not always about working harder, it may be a problem with the goal that was set." 

Talk about goals early and often

Smoll wants to remind coaches that student-athletes often aren't taught about goal-setting, so you can't expect them to naturally gravitate towards process-driven goals: many young athletes see victory and success in simplistic terms.

"We have to remember that these athletes are kids," he says. "It's easy for us to say these are the principles of good goal-setting because we're adults and this information is readily available to us." But that's not always the case for young athletes.

Make sure you encourage goal-setting at the beginning of the year, and regularly revisit goals throughout the season to evaluate progress and make changes as you both see fit. 

Set different types of goals for one season

"I often talk about the idea of the game within the game. The overall objective is to win a game, but if you're playing against a really superior team, set other goals within the game. You're not bailing out, you're being realistic," says Smoll.

For instance, he challenges coaches to re-frame the team's thought process and think, 'Maybe the final score isn't going to be in your favor, but what can you be in control of? Of course, you'll try to win the game, but along the way, you'll have some other achievements as well.'

Coaches can encourage athletes to think of new objectives to achieve during the games, such as staying positive and focusing on teamwork, or other intangibles that are frequently overlooked in favor of scores and yardage. 

Ask 'What if results didn't matter?'

Smoll shares, "A sports psychologist I know went to his son's swim meet, and his son was still swimming when the other kids already finished the race and were out of the pool. He started to feel bad for his son. But his son touched the wall to finish, jumped out of the water, and was absolutely thrilled."

Smoll continues, "The athlete was elated because he had just beat his previous best time. My friend felt so stupid -- his kid had made tremendous progress, but my friend failed to recognize the individuality of that. He didn't win the race, but he did meet his goals."

Why is it important to emphasize that success isn't based on results alone for young athletes? Because every athlete's goals are different. Remember there's a way to pivot from obvious goals to focus less on results and more on personal development. 

Provide constant feedback

Often, we wait until the end of the season or until it's well past time to 'turn the ship around' on an overarching goal. But if you're constantly evaluating and giving feedback to players throughout the season, you're more likely to stay the course and meet those goals -- or revise them along the way as needed.

"Athletes should know where they stand throughout the season and not find out that they're being benched right before championships," says Smoll. He adds that athletes should set up their own evaluations too, as this teaches personal responsibility. 
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Smoll concludes, "It's great to have an overarching goal for the season, but even legendary football coach Don James once explained that he would have a season goal for the team, backed up by a massive binder of smaller, broken-down goals for each player for the season."

It might seem a bit extreme to keep a full binder for a high school sports team, but make sure that each person on the team has individual goals that aren't related to the team's overall performance. That way, even if the season's primary goal isn't being met, you're able to pivot to focus on individual goals so athletes recognize how their hard work and dedication led to meaningful achievements.