Ring in the New Year with resolutions for all 30 Major League teams

With 2016 behind us, it's time to think about how we can improve ourselves in the New Year. And, yes, that includes MLB teams. Here we present one New Year's resolution for each team that we guarantee will make them better, stronger and happier in 2017. 
Angels: Tilt the field inward.
When the Angels traded for second baseman Danny Espinosa and Martín Maldonado, they created a super team of up-the-middle defense. With those two joining Mike Trout and Andrelton Simmons, there are no easy hits near the center of the field.

How to improve those odds? Tilt the field inwards, so all balls slide toward the middle of the field, and no one may get a hit all year.
Astros: Put a Jonah Hill cutout on the center-field wall
Tal's Hill may be gone, but there's no reason the memory of that endearingly quirky stadium feature shouldn't live on in perpetuity. What better way to remind us of the old hill than the image of a likewise endearingly quirky Hill of baseball-movie fame?
Athletics: Have Kendall Graveman enter to Mercutio's line: "Ask for me tomorrow and you shall find me a grave man."

Baseball could always use more Shakespeare.
Blue Jays: Construct a triptych of postseason home run statues.
The Blue Jays have perhaps the deepest collection of statue-worthy postseason dingers. There is Joe Carter's 1993 walk-off -- complete with a dramatic sprint around the bases -- José Bautista's bat flip in the 2015 postseason and Edwin Encarnacion's raised arms bat drop to win the 2016 AL Wild Card Game. 
Braves: Sign more veteran pitchers.
This offseason, the Braves have signed R.A. Dickey, Bartolo Colon and John Danks and acquired Jaime García from the Cardinals. Now, they simply need to create a monopoly by signing every veteran pitcher available. And why not bring Greg Maddux back for good measure, too?
Brewers: Wear Sant Boi jerseys.
Junior Guerra was a revelation last year, posting the lowest ERA with at least 100 innings pitched with the Brewers since CC Sabathia. This was after he seemingly came out of nowhere, having pitched for San Marino in Italy and Sant Boi while in Spain.

Campeones Copa del Rey 2016! @LluisaMoretSabi @Carcelen3 @eleamat @JPuigdengolas @pscsantboi @esportcat @UFECcat pic.twitter.com/VdPKLjGCLX

— CBS Sant Boi (@beisbolsantboi) August 14, 2016

Cardinals: Release a John Gant bobble-windup. 
After acquiring reliever John Gant from the Braves, there is only one thing to do: Release a bobble head of his bizarre, stuttering windup. It would likely involve a sliding base, a wobbly leg and well ... toy makers may not actually have a way to properly capture this. 

Cubs: Have Javier Báez play every position in a single game.
Only four Major Leaguers have played all nine positions in a single game, and the last person to pull it off was Shane Halter in 2000. 
It's time to end another draught. Already one of the most exciting players in baseball, Baez is the exact type of player that could both K the side and then rob a homer the next inning.
D-backs: Create a Parent Trap with Paul Goldschmidt and Stephen Cardullo.
Why not spend at least a few weeks in Spring Training seeing how long it takes before people realize that Goldschmidt and Rockies outfielder (and former D-backs Draft pick) Cardullo have traded places? Isn't that what Spring Training is for?

So you really can be two places at once. pic.twitter.com/rYwZPUrfJV

— Cut4 (@Cut4) September 14, 2016

Dodgers: Call the team "Dodgers II."
Last year, the Dodgers were one of the best teams in baseball. Unfortunately, they couldn't defeat the juggernaut that was the Cubs in the NLCS. There's no better way to strike back then by dusting yourself off and trying again.
They've got the band back together -- re-signing Rich Hill, Justin Turner and Kenley Jansen -- to keep the team primed for a fifth straight NL West title. Like all good film series, the second one is the best. Give the team a name that reflects that. 
Giants: Let Hunter Pence design a uniform.
Is this not what you've always dreamed of? 

Yes, that is a uniform made of Pence's glorious hair.
Indians: Come up with a nickname for the trio of starters.
The Mets had Generation K for their trio of pitching prospects in Jason Isringhausen, Paul Wilson and Bill Pulsipher. The Phillies had the Four Aces, with Roy Halladay, Roy Oswalt, Cliff Lee and Cole Hamels. It's time for Cleveland to come up with one for its group of stars featuring Corey Kluber, Carlos Carrasco and Danny Salazar.
Here are a few suggestions to give them a hand:
- The Czars of Strikeouts
- Strike Three Trio
- Moundtropolis of the Western Reserve 
Mariners: Themed sections for every pitcher.
While King Felix gets to hold court -- complete with giant turkey legs -- I'm sure the other pitchers feel a little jealous. 
Hisashi Iwakuma -- The Bear -- deserves his own Goldilocks and the Three Up, Three Down Bears section that comes complete with beds.
James Paxton gets a Bill Paxton (or is it Pullman?) section, with fans dressing up as one of the two famous actors.
Nate Karns can have a Karnival, complete with clowns and giant servings of fried dough.
The possibilities (and puns) are endless.
Marlins: Create a new giant sculpture for right field.
Nothing is more fun than seeing the dolphins swim around the Las Vegas-like lights of the Marlins home run sculpture. While Giancarlo Stanton and Justin Bour have surely grown accustomed to setting the machine off, wouldn't it be nice for the pitchers and less-powerful batters to have something? Perhaps in right field they could build a sculpture of a friendly flounder swimming around every time there's a ground-ball out recorded.
Mets: Use Noah Syndergaard as a DH during Interleague games.
Last year, the Giants became the first team since 1976 to forgo the DH when they let Madison Bumgarner bat for himself in an American League park. It's time for the Mets to elevate their own slugging hurler and let the golden-haired Thor not just bat for himself in AL parks, but DH him in games when he's not pitching. Already up to four career home runs, these extra at-bats could be the best way to get Syndergaard up to Bumgarner's 14 career dingers. 

Nationals: Paint the foul lines red, white and blue.
The team's name is a reference to their position in the nation's capital. They have now added a red, white and blue star-spangled design to their alternate uniforms. It's time to really double down and make the foul lines red, white and blue, too. 

(artist's rendering)
Orioles:  Become The Expendables of baseball and sign all the power-hitting free agents.
Last year the Orioles re-signed Chris Davis and picked up Pedro Álvarez and Mark Trumbo. Adding them to Adam Jones and Manny Machado turned the team into an absolute treasure trove of pure power.

With Trumbo and Alvarez now free agents, there's a risk that the team won't hit a gazillion home runs in 2017. But with Chris Carter and Mark Reynolds (himself a one-time Oriole) also available, the team could reload and have a chance at hitting even more home runs. Even "The Expendables" movies had a rotating cast.
Padres: Create the Ryan Schimpf Shrimp Bar.
Last year we said that the Padres should wear more brown. Sure enough, they listened! So this year, we suggest something that everyone can agree on. Shrimp is delicious.
Phillies: Get Fall Out Boy to re-record "Light 'Em Up."
The Fall Out Boy song and one-time theme for the baseball postseason became an internet craze as fans united around the misheard phrase "Light a mupp." 
After Cameron Rupp hit a career-high 16 home runs last year, it's time to give him his own walk-up music: Light a Rupp. 
Pirates: Change Gerrit Cole's nickname to "Cole Slaw."
Pirates broadcaster Greg Brown is a master of nicknames, shouting things like "It's a Marte par-tay!" Unfortunately, his nickname for Gerrit Cole is "Cole Train." While the jazz musician John Coltrane is plenty cool, Pittsburgh is a city whose specialty sandwich comes with cole slaw on it. The Pirates should reflect that with the nickname for their ace. 
Rangers: Instruct the infielders to copy each other.
With every team getting into defensive shifts, the only new move is to confuse the offense. The Rangers are a step ahead with their amazing work in defensive mirroring.

Rays: Make Matt Duffy's giant cat the new DJ Kitty.
When the Rays acquired Matt Duffy from the Giants, the infielder sadly was unable to bring his giant cat with him. Since this is the team with DJ Kitty, why not cheer up their recent acquisition with MC Giant Cat? 

Got my nose done for #RedNoseDay. Didn't think I could pull this look off 😽 pic.twitter.com/QSAqPQBkP9

— Skeeter Duffy (@duffcat35) May 27, 2016

Red Sox: Convince David Ortiz to come back as Bavid Bortiz.
After the Red Sox acquired Chris Sale, David Ortiz took to Instagram and reconsidered his retirement. Rather than have the player risk his legacy, the Red Sox simply need to convince him to come back as long-lost brother Bavid Bortiz. Just play him at second base for a day or two to throw off the internet sleuths, and they're set.
Reds: Add a scoreboard timer every time Billy Hamilton is on base. Or in the outfield. Or near the field.
Most stadiums have a radar gun that lets fans cheer with delight when blazing fastballs are thrown. Given that Hamilton's speed is the 100-mph fastball of baserunning, there should definitely be a timer every time he's at-bat and on the bases. Imagine the reaction when Hamilton topped his previous best time to second base for a steal.

Rockies: Schedule ghost hunter day.
Dinger, the Rockies' dinosaur mascot, was created after a dinosaur rib bone was found during the construction of Coors Field. Who knows what other creatures may also inhabit the earth near Coors? Fortunately, the Rockies have starter and ghost hunting hobbyistJon Gray. Perhaps if thousands of ghost hunters showed up with their EMF readers, spirit boxes and proton packs, we'll find incontrovertible proof of the other side.

Royals: Find a new theme song.
When the Royals shocked the world and went to the World Series in 2014, they united under the banner of Lorde's "Royals." In 2015, they won it all behind the power of "Trap Queen." Last year, it seems they forgot about their musical roots and, sure enough, they failed to make the postseason.
There's only one choice: Get back to their royalty-themed music and celebrate every game with Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now." 
Tigers: Sign J.D. Martinez's giraffe best friend to play center field.
The Tigers need a center fielder. The Tigers are already the tigers, so they could definitely use another animal. J.D. Martinez is best friends with a giraffe now.
While some may claim the giraffe has never actually played baseball, his height would indicate that he should be able to rob anything resembling a home run.
Twins: Sit back and enjoy the ascent of Byron Buxton.
Byron Buxton was nearly a three-time No. 1 prospect in baseball. But due to injuries and trips back and forth to the Minors, he wasn't able to show off his speed, defense and bat at the Major League level.
In the season's final month, we saw proof of what Buxton can do as he hit nine home runs with an OPS over 1.000. That means 2017 is the year to sit back and enjoy the glorious ride. 

White Sox: Make Hawk Harrelson's fashion an alternate jersey.
Before Hawk was the master of catchphrases, he was a fashion maven. There is his amazing black-and-white striped outfit, complete with a bizarre hat, and there is his blue suit with a "The Mummy"-esque golden necklace that was used on the cover of his biography: 

Either would be an amazing starting point for an alternate uniform.  
Yankees: Call up Dietrich Enns.
There are a lot of good reasons for the Yankees to call up Enns: With the back of the rotation needing help, the Yankees could do a lot worse than to call up Enns who, despite having trouble breaking 90 mph with his fastball, used his changeup to post a 1.73 ERA between Double-A and Triple-A last year. 

But more important, when Enns makes his Major League debut, he will become the first "Dietrich" to play in the Majors. (Yes, there's the Marlins' Derek Dietrich and Bill Dietrich played from 1933-48, but those are just last names.) It's time to make history.