Bryce Harper can squat 405 (!) and other unreal facts from his ESPN Body Issue interview

Bryce Harper is a pretty strong dude.

Actually, no, let us rephrase: Bryce Harper is the MLB equivalent of that kid from your Little League days -- the one so physically different you'd swear he was actually in college already. He makes baseball bats look like twigs, his swing could provide enough wind power to keep the lights on in D.C. for a decade and he's spent all season raining dingers with reckless disregard for the welfare of upper decks. Even his popups turn into home runs. 

So, it's only fitting that ESPN would tap Harper for the "Body Issue" of ESPN the Magazine -- like fellow NL East star Matt Harvey before him -- because a nation demands to know what it's like to be the 22-year-old incarnation of Wolverine:

A dream come true..Hard work does pay off! Can't thank @espnmag enough for the opportunity! Baseball players do work out #BodyIssue2015

A photo posted by Bryce Harper (@bharper3407) on Jul 2, 2015 at 8:00am PDT

And of course, Bryce being Bryce, he did not disappoint. Some highlights:

1. He can squat 405 pounds and wants everyone to know it. "I'm proud of that -- that's one of my favorites."

2. He's "about 8 percent body fat right now," just in case you needed to feel guilty about sitting on the couch and reading this. 

3. After tearing a ligament in his thumb while sliding into third last year, the simple things became a challenge. "I'm trying to do my shirt, and it's like, 'Mom, come help me. I can't get my shirt on.'" Remember to call your mom today, everyone.

4. Elsewhere in "Bryce Harper's mom is the best": She apparently makes some pretty delicious cookies, and Bryce takes his ice cream sandwich methodology very seriously. "I'll put the cookies inside the microwave for, like, 12 seconds. It's got to be 12 seconds. And then I'll grab the ice cream and I'll make an ice cream sandwich. And I mean it's unbelievable." Again: 8 percent body fat. 

5. Here's a real thing he said about Robinson Cano: "There's nobody as sexy as Robinson Cano in the box. I had a coach, Chris Sheff, who always told me to be as sexy as you can in the box. And, I mean, if you look at Cano ... that guy has one of the smoothest, best swings I've ever seen." We agree, Bryce: 

You can read the rest of his answers here. There was, tragically, no mention of his hair to be found, so we'll go ahead and assume they're planning it as their next cover story.